I’m not going to be alive in three years. I won’t see my grandson grow up. I’m so full of life – why is it being cut short?
You can’t get much more negative than that. Yet, those were the exact thoughts going through my head during the first few weeks of my cancer diagnosis. As a result of what I was reading on the Internet, I felt I had been handed a death sentence that was going to be carried out in swift action. I spent almost an equal amount of time kicking myself for things that I “should’ve” done: How could I have missed this? Why didn’t I go to the doctor sooner? If I had gotten an MRI on my arthritic knee, maybe the tumor would’ve been found by accident when it was small.
With thoughts like these swirling through my head, it was difficult to function. When one foot is in the future and the other in the past, you’re not going to move anywhere. In addition, the problem with negative thoughts – besides being downright depressing – is that they take the place of so much joy that could be experienced instead. I knew I had to stop if I was going to make any progress on my path to wellness. It was about this time that my mustard seed focused me on the faith I needed to not obsess about the future so I could focus on today instead.
Someone somewhere once said, “Today is a gift; that’s why we call it the present.” My daily devotional has referred to a tapestry of life that is woven daily. Both are representations I embrace. When we think of the future and what might happen, we take time away from the certainty and beauty of today. We are surrounded by so many gifts if we just open our eyes – love, family, friends, nature, a job, transportation, a home, food – each of them waiting to be unwrapped, all coming together to weave a one-of-a-kind design that we’ll miss if we are not present in the moment. We can never get back today – and that’s really all we have for certain, regardless of whether you have cancer.
I’m human, and it’s natural for negative thoughts to sneak into my head sometimes no matter how hard I try not to let them. When they do, however, I try to refocus on the many blessings in front of me so that I don’t miss the beautiful tapestry of today.
Share the strength.
Sharing the Strength 
Ann, I love reading your blog: it’s written so beautifully and poignantly! We all encounter battles of varying sizes, but when you get down to it, it’s all about life and living it well, no matter the battle that’s raging. You ARE sharing the strength. Thank you.
Thank you so much, Nancy! I’m very touched by your comments and am so glad you’re enjoying reading the blog!
Beautiful reminder for all of us. Thank you Annie.
Thank you, Kate!
Anne,
I won’t go on about how I had no idea that you were ill as I know that is your nature. NOT TELLING ANYONE. I tried to keep my autoimmune disease secret as well until I could no longer hide what it was doing to me outwardly. I was not diagnosed until 2009, although symptoms began much, much sooner. I continued seeing Dr.’s with no answers and tried to keep up my sense of normalcy until I was forced to leave my job in 2000. I had suffered for years and I spent years searching for a Diagnosis. I am, as I sense you to be, a bottom line kind of girl. Tell me what it is and I’ll fix it. I won’t ask anyone else to help me–I can do this. I have way too much to do to be sick and I have others I am looking after. THAT is WHAT I THOUGHT. I now need a change in my thought process on what I need to do to help ME….. So may I please borrow your “blog’s inspiration”? I particularly could use your recent entry “With a little (a lot of ) help from my friends”; especially now.
Now that I can no longer hide my disease, I am forced sometimes to answer questions to which I don’t have answers. Oh I know almost as much as anyone regarding the disease, as I have had NOTHING BUT TIME to research and to chase it. BUT I could use a bit of your MOXY right now and I need to learn how to let someone help ME. I have never been able to do that and I haven’t gotten much better at it as I have progressively become in need. I was/am always the BAND AID in the family. But God must have spoken to you, and told you to put a bug in my ear, as I just happened upon this entry of your blog after I read the “help” entry just minutes ago.
I thank you so much for writing and I pray for your continued healing and improved health.
And I thank you for allowing me to read and gain inspiration from your words.
GOD BLESS YOU,
MITSY
Thank you for taking the time to write such a thoughtful message and share your own experience, Mitsy. I know how hard it was to wait two weeks for my diagnosis to be confirmed; I can’t imagine waiting years! I’ve never figured you short on moxy (and that’s a compliment!); I’m happy to share some of mine when you need it, however. I’m very touched by your comments and am thrilled that you have felt a grain of inspiration – that was my biggest hope when I first started to write. I pray you will continue to find whatever you need.