It’s in the DNA

Yes, I know it.  I’m terribly stubborn.  I can’t help it; it’s in the DNA.  Anybody who knows my sister and me will quickly agree.  We know we get it from the family patriarch – our father – who is 101 and has one helluva stubborn streak (probably one of the reasons he’s lived so long!).  I really do try to work at not being quite so stubborn, because I know it’s very taxing on those around me – especially these days as I’m continuing cancer treatment.

I finished my second chemo cycle last week.  It went a little smoother than the first go-round.  I’m getting a bit better at identifying how my body is going to react to the various medicines being injected and planning ahead for them.  After the five-day hospital stay, I came home and continued to exist in what I refer to as my “chemo la-la land,” a fuzzy place that causes me mostly to just sleep.  This is followed by several days of weakness and dizziness, as my body starts to recover, and this is when my stubbornness starts to surface.

Today I insisted on going to the university where I teach to see the first round of my senior students give the most important presentation of their collegiate careers – their capstone, which involves presenting a public relations campaign they have been working on all semester (and working on under difficult circumstances, I might add, because of my health).  It took me an hour and a half to get ready and I couldn’t drive myself, but, by golly, I was going to get there come hell or high water.  I won’t lie; fighting the weakness and dizziness was difficult at times.  However, seeing my students conduct themselves so professionally and successfully to a real client made my heart soar.

I realize that pushing myself may not have been the greatest decision in the world – that it would’ve been better for me to spend the day resting at home.  This is when my stubbornness drives those who love and care for me crazy, because they know I would be better off doing that, too.  They also know it’s fruitless to try to stop me once I put my mind to something.  I appreciate their frustration because I know they only have my well-being at heart, and I really have tried to not be so difficult.  After my first chemo treatment, I accepted some limitations that I never thought I would – drastically changing my teaching schedule – so I wouldn’t push myself.  However, there are some things that are just too important to give up, and today was one of those things.

One of the ways in which I define myself is by the love I have for teaching and my students, not the cancer from which I’m recovering.  I needed to see them today – they needed to see me – and I will be there for the students presenting their projects in two days, as well.  And tomorrow, regardless of how I’m feeling, I’ll be stubborn again and attend a funeral for the mother of one of my best friends. I’m being reasonable (well, at least what I think is reasonable).  I didn’t go to the viewing and I won’t go to the graveside ceremony or the funeral breakfast, but it’s important to me to be at the funeral to pay my respects and say goodbye to a woman who I called “mom” and to support my friend and her family.

In a previous post, I talked about my life philosophy being not getting to the end of my life and regretting not doing something.  The things I’m pushing myself to do this week are things I would regret not doing.  So, yes, I’m being stubborn right now (or we could just call it being perseverant or strong-willed!).  In any case, it’s how mind my works.  I promise I’ll behave later (well, sort of).

Share the strength.

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