I’ve been involved in some important decision making this past week – whether to continue chemotherapy. I wish my doctor would just tell me what to do; he has been noncommittal, however. He has simply laid out the advantages and disadvantages of either choice. I’ve turned to a lot of places looking for guidance. I’ve looked at the bracelet I wear every day given to me by a dear childhood friend inscribed with the words “Be brave.” I turned to my daily devotional and the scripture read, “Be strong and of good courage.” I’ve read some of my own words, like “The Mustard Seed” post. The decision has been a roller coaster ride that has had me question what bravery and courage really are.
I have finished my original treatment plan of four chemo rounds. With this regimen of chemo, patients can have a maximum of six treatments. Of course, being the overachiever that I am, I’ve been intending on getting six ever since I started. It’s clear to me now that a sixth will not happen because of how chemo is affecting my blood. However, my doctor is willing to give me a fifth, at a reduced dosage, if I want it. The advantage of one more treatment is more protection against a recurrence of my cancer. The downside is that it will further hurt my blood, possibly even requiring hospitalization this time, and increase my risks for cancers of the blood and bone marrow down the road. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, my life philosophy has been to not regret not doing something. I also make an effort at focusing on today, rather than the “what ifs” of the future. So what’s a girl to do?
As I always do when I can’t figure something out, I go to my sister to seek her advice, which, in my eyes, is always wise. We ended up talking about courage and bravery, and what these things really mean. In previous posts, I’ve talked about how perseverance is part of our nature – it’s something with which we are familiar – so it’s not surprising that I would lean toward continuing chemotherapy. However, is perseverance the same as being courageous? My sister posed the idea that maybe courage is actually acting in ways that are not as familiar and not in our comfort zone. Ending chemo is a lot scarier for me than continuing it.
Mark Twain said that “Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.” John Wayne’s take on it was that “Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway.” The Wizard of Oz told the Cowardly Lion: “You, my friend, are a victim of disorganized thinking. You are under the unfortunate impression that just because you run away you have no courage; you’re confusing courage with wisdom.” Perhaps courage is making the choice that scares you, or turning away from something you prefer to do because wisdom is leading you in that direction.
I don’t know the answer. I do know, however, that I was hoping by writing this post I would organize my random thoughts on paper and thus come to a decision — and I think I have.
Share the strength.
Sharing the Strength 
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