Hi, God. It’s Me, Ann.

Are you there? Hello? Hellooooo? Of course, I really do know He’s around — somewhere; however, my faith has been shaken to the core the past week. As a result, this post is especially difficult to write. Since I started this blog a year ago, I’ve shared many views on life as I journeyed through a nine-month battle with cancer. I have written a lot about faith, optimism, affirmative prayer, living for today and not worrying about the future, and counting one’s blessings. Just last month, I wrote about looking for the silver lining when life knocks you down – using God’s study guide of faith to pass life’s exams.  However, right now, this “glass half full” gal is seeing the glass half empty.

You see, last week I was told that my cancer has returned and spread to both lungs – an “incurable” condition, according to the doctor. Translation: I’m terminal. The doctor says the average life expectancy for someone in my condition is 18 months. Bummer. I imagine I know what you’re feeling right now as you read these words, especially if you know me. Stunned . . . shocked . . . sick. That’s how I felt. I didn’t expect that news either, and I deeply apologize to the many of you who are finding out about my condition this way. Telling people has been extremely difficult. After the recent losses of my father and brother, I feel like I’ve been kicked while I’m down. How much is one person supposed to take? I feel deflated and defeated.

I truly – deep, deep down truly – thought I had beaten cancer. I thought I was going to be a beacon, the shining success story that could inspire others who might face the type of rare, aggressive cancer I had – correction, have. I didn’t want that for egotistical reasons, but rather so that something good might come of a bad situation. I thought that was the purpose behind my first battle – that God was giving me the gift of words to start this blog and provide encouragement to others, people who were not just experiencing cancer, but also any difficult situation.

The first time I found out I had cancer, I thought, “Why not me? What makes me so special that something that horrible couldn’t happen?” This time, however, I am indulging in the classic “Why me?” question. I thought I had done everything right last time. I maintained my faith – in fact, it got stronger – and I shared it with others. I tried to face my challenge with poise and optimism. So I feel slightly abandoned by God right now. Yes, I know, saying that may be perceived as blasphemous by some. I rather feel like Pinto, Tom Hulce’s character in the classic movie “Animal House,” when his date for the toga party passes out in his bedroom and an angel appears on one shoulder and a devil on the other, resulting in a tug of war to decide what he should do next. My mini angel and devil certainly aren’t uttering the dialogue they had with Pinto, but they’re there nonetheless – arguing acceptance and anger, patience and indignation, faith and doubt.

I’ve always felt like I had a personal relationship with God. My prayers have often taken the form of a conversation. And just like you experience a range of emotions with a close friend, including frustration, so have I expressed, and am expressing, that emotion with Him as well. I’m not going to feel too bad about that, either, for even Jesus, in the Garden of Gethsemane, asked God to let death pass Him by and later cried out on the Cross, “My God, why have you forsaken me?”

I can’t begin to fathom why this is happening. As I have said in other posts, I don’t believe God causes bad things. I’m disappointed He didn’t step in to stop this from occurring, though. Once I adjust to this news, I will, hopefully, be like Job, who accepted numerous sorrows without losing faith. Right now, however, I’m more like David, when he entered the cave – afraid and lamenting.

Share YOUR strength — please.

The Power of Words

During this journey I’ve be on, I’ve thought a lot about words, which may seem strange considering I’m a communication professor who primarily teaches writing.  For years, I have taught the value of words and picking just the right one to concisely communicate one’s purpose.  I’ve explained the importance of connotative vs. denotative meanings: how the words “cheap” and “inexpensive,” although they basically mean the same thing, conjure up very different mental images.  I’ve stressed how the poor placement of words in a sentence may alter the writer’s true intention: “My father took me to my first horse race at the age of 8” – he’s got to be the youngest father in history!  I’ve pleaded with students to stop using “they” as a pronoun for everyone and everything.

Yet those aren’t the “word rules” I’ve been thinking about.  In a previous post about affirmative prayer, I talked about focusing on positive outcomes and the idea that what we put out in the universe comes back to us.  That includes the words we choose to speak.  Since I was first diagnosed with cancer, I’ve tried (and been mostly successful) with avoiding words like “sick” or “ill.”  I had cancer, period.  I felt just fine, so I didn’t want negativity worming its way into my psyche.  Since my surgery, I’ve tried to avoid saying I have cancer; it was removed and is no longer in my body.  I’m on the path to wellness, I’m healing, I’m getting stronger.

As I have been thinking more about the power of words, I have come across several readings reinforcing this thought.  Last month, I read the following passage in my daily devotional: “The words I speak and write carry energy and power, so I choose them with care and clear purpose . . . My chosen words are sacred.  What I send into the world returns to me multiplied.”  More recently, I came across another reading taken from “The Twelve Powers of Man,” a 1930 book written by Charles Fillmore, a leader of the New Thought movement. He taught that one of the 12 powers is at the root of the tongue and that the throat is “the door between the formless and the formed,” meaning that words shape ideas into reality.  He said that “every word makes an imprint.”

I believe this to be true.  Our words can have enormous impact on others – they can console, nurture, motivate, teach, celebrate, degrade, hurt.  Why wouldn’t our own words not affect us, as well?  I have worked in public relations for 29 years and understand the concept that perception is reality.  If you or others around you perceive what you say to be real, those words elicit very real emotions and reactions.  Have you ever wished you hadn’t said something because of the effect those words had on someone?   If my words create my reality, then I choose a reality where my words work for good and bring encouragement, positive energy and healing to my life and the lives of those around me.

“So shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose” —  Isaiah 55:11

Share the strength.

That’s an Affirmative

As a Christian, I grew up learning to pray, and prayer has been something constant in my life.  However, it wasn’t until I was diagnosed with cancer that I learned about affirmative prayer.  My neighbor gave me a book of inspirational writings and scripture, and it was here that I first heard about this type of prayer.  Looking into it more, I found out that affirmative prayer is said with the expectation that whatever you need has already been given to you.  I first thought, “Well, that seems a bit presumptuous!”  In fact, it made me downright uncomfortable to be assuming that God would grant me my request rather than asking that He consider it if it was His will.

I continued to look into it further and found that there is a basis for this type of prayer in The Bible:  “So I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours” (Mark 11:24).  The key phrase here is “have received,” not “will receive” or “may receive” but “have received.”  If we believe that God already knows our needs, it makes sense that He would not wait for us to identify them to Him.  I also saw yet another example of my mustard seed at work, believing that, with faith, all things are possible.

Wikipedia refers to affirmative prayer as “focusing on a positive outcome rather than a negative situation.”  There’s also the idea that what we put out in the universe comes back to us, whether it’s a smile, kindness, or positive thoughts.  So I changed my prayers to being more affirmative and, for me, I have felt a difference.  I feel more positive and calmer during this life-changing journey I’m on, and I do believe it has played a large role in my healing.  But that’s another story.

Share the strength.