Queen of De-Nial

Just call me Cleopatra. While I’m regaining my footing after receiving the recent news of my cancer returning, I’ve decided to hang out with one of my old friends – denial. I’ve always been pretty good at not focusing on negative things because I am, by nature, an optimist. However, I have wondered if sometimes my optimism wasn’t really denial in disguise. In a post last year, I pondered the point at which positive thinking turns into denial. I also wondered if denial is a bad thing if it keeps your attitude positive, or, in my current case, helps my positive attitude return.

Now that I’ve gotten past the awful chore of telling family, friends, and coworkers about my cancer recurrence, the shock I’ve been experiencing the past three weeks is starting to subside, and I’ve decided that denial sounds pretty good to me. Added to this is the fact that I haven’t really been myself since my father died; I have felt like a big piece of me is missing – like I lost my sparkle. That light got even dimmer when I got the news about the cancer. Hell, it pretty much went out. But two weekends ago when my sister was visiting, I found myself laughing a little more and crying a little less. It felt good.

The time between now and the start of chemo may very well be the best I ever feel, and I don’t want to spend that time dwelling on what’s to come. Physically, I feel great, so it’s becoming easier for me to just pretend that life is normal, and, quite frankly, I think that’s OK. There will be lots of time for reality checks in the coming months. My last post was based on the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life,” and I’ll borrow from that classic film again. At one point, Clarence turns to George Bailey and says, “You see, George, you’ve had a wonderful life. Don’t you see what a mistake it would be to throw it away?” Amen, Clarence!

Embracing denial doesn’t mean I plan to avoid talking about what’s happened or pursuing some steps that I need to take, such as looking into getting a second opinion. And I still get sad, often. My mind cannot automatically turn off thoughts of what is to come. However, I  don’t want this yucky situation to be the axis on which my life spins right now. I’m also aware that denial is not just an old friend, but also the first stage of grief, so perhaps going from shock to denial is just a natural progression.

In any case, I want to be able find my spark again; maybe if I get some fresh air, take a deep breath, and allow some oxygen in, it will ignite. As for the cancer, for now I’ll evoke another famous film character, Scarlett O’Hara: “I can’t think about that right now. If I do, I’ll go crazy. I’ll think about that tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day.”

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I Have a Lot of Clarences

Since announcing the return of my cancer, I have felt a bit like George Bailey in “It’s a Wonderful Life.” The outpouring of concern, support, and prayers has been overwhelming!

“It’s a Wonderful Life” opens with numerous voices praying to God on George’s behalf. George, you see, is in trouble. His uncle has misplaced an important bank deposit, an error that will surely lead to George’s family business, the Bailey Building and Loan, going bankrupt. The sinister Mr. Potter, who controls much of the town and who for years has wanted to close the Building and Loan, finds the money, keeps it, and seizes the opportunity to issue a warrant for bank fraud against George. While George ponders suicide, the voices lifting him up to the Heavens reach God’s ear, who, in response, sends Clarence, a guardian angel, to show him the difference he has made in others’ lives and all the reasons for which he still has to live. Ultimately, Mr. Potter’s devious attempt is foiled.

Cancer is my Mr. Potter – evil, conniving, controlling. The character was No. 6 on the American Film Institute’s list of the 50 Greatest Villains in the history of American cinema. A 2007 article in the Nashua Telegraph about the death of Lionel Barrymore, who portrayed Mr. Potter, described the character as “Scrooge, the Grinch and Simon Legree in one craggy, crabby package.” Yep, that’s my cancer.

And just like George Bailey’s friends prayed for him when he was being attacked by Mr. Potter, I know I have hundreds of voices praying for me right now. Although my faith was shaken when I heard my cancer was back, I do know that God hears prayers and I believe in the power of prayer. I’m hoping that when He hears so many voices, He will choose to work a miracle. I know He has already sent me many Clarences. Some I know and some I don’t. I’m not sure I’m worthy of the beautiful, warm comments I have gotten from so many people telling me what I have meant to them. I’m grateful and humbled if I’ve been able to make a difference in their lives. In fact, it’s one of the main things that has gotten me through the past couple weeks. It is comforting to know that, when facing a terminal illness, a life has been well spent. Hearing that is a blessing that not everybody gets to have. All too often, we wait until after people are gone to acknowledge the role they played in our lives.

I hope that I will ultimately have much more time than the doctors say because, as is the case with everyone, there’s still much I want to do. In the meantime, however, I appreciate the support, encouragement, strength, and love being sent my way and the prayers lifting me up. Thanks to each and every one of you!

“Remember, George: No man is a failure who has friends” – “Clarence”

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